| hm. what day is it? day 6. what's day 6 like?
i still cried a few tears yesterday, had heartbreaking moments while watching a cartoon, eating sisig and downing it with vodka. but yesterday, i told the malate pips what happened, and they rallied with sympathetic text and e-mail messages. it made a difference. a huge difference. knowing there was a set of people who care about me makes the world a less lonely place, makes me feel that i need not cling to what jamie refers to as simply a habit. and i realize that, yes, that's what's ryan is to me, a habit. i don't mean to belittle what we had, but knowing anyway that we didnt have the world's most heart rendering love story, or the steamiest romance, makes it bearable. what we had was... friendship, security, laughter, two people connecting, caring for each other, tight hugs and warm cuddles. i shouldn't regret that, i guess. i shouldn't belittle it. but right now, nor do i believe that i should view our parting with too much anger or too much bitterness.
i mean, yesterday i talked to him on the phone, and i didnt break down. that should count for something right? and today, im going through a day when i was bubbly and cheerful. my work satisfies me right now, i have some friends i can trust and talk to. if i get nothing else from my life, no love, no family of my own, my life will be more desolate. and yet, i believe that i have opportunities - learn new stuff, adopt children if need be, get more involved with my friends. maybe this is just a sunny moment in an otherwise dark, dreary month - which is why im probably writing right now, to keep it for posterity. or maybe - dare i say it, maybe this is the day when i start getting over him. |
